Back in action...

I have greatly slacked on my blog due to the fact that life can be so hectic sometimes... But I am back and ready to explain more on our journey. Regarding my last post... The results from my laproscopy showed that the dr was unable to find a cause behind my pain and released me stating that I would hopefully not have anymore pain after I got pregnant. I guess he failed to realize that I have been pregnancy challenged for 2 and a half years! So we decided to take a break from Dr.s for a little while and try again to conceive without fertility treatments which isn't working either. It is a daily struggle for us to face the world knowing that there are babies born everyday into homes that are not stable or safe for them to be in but yet we cannot conceive. We try to live it up while we can but in the back of my mind I always think about wether I am going to get pregnant this month or not. It just feels like I have something missing in my life and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to fill the void. My husband and I have gotten better at putting on our "brave face" so that the world will not ask us why we can't be happy. It's hard trying to explain to people the hurt we feel when they don't understand how it feels to he infertile. Every time we see a pregnancy announcement or see a child smile up at their parents it brings a whole new wave of depression knowing that we may never experience that happiness. I know that everything happens for a reason and that the Lord will provide in time but it still doesn't ease the pain any. I guess this is a good enough post for today I have a million things that need to be done!

Update

Well I thought I would update ya'll on what's been goin on in the Mosley household. The dr is still not 100 percent sure what is wrong with me..so on Tuesday, April 5th im goin to have diagnostic laproscopy surgery to properly diagnois whether I have endometriosis or not. I will continue to update on what we find out and how the surgery went when the time comes. I ask for all of you to please say a little prayer for me  and for my husband during this time. It would be greatly appreciated!

Confusion.....

This week has been rough for me...and my husband too i'm sure. I'm really trying to find strength and understanding but it's hard. It's not just about my infertility tho..everything seems so confusing to me right now and i've found myself more emotional this week than i've been in a while. Ever since Sunday i've been in excrutiating pain and NOTHING seems to be working, i've taken tylonol, ibprophen, hydrocodones, and none of it works. I honestly feel like giving up. They say to get a hysterectomy to completly get rid of all this pain...and right now that's honestly sounding like a pretty good option. Aside from the fact I REALLY want a baby... I just wish my dr was taking things more seriously. I've pretty much lost all faith in drs and am slipping into depression, which is making me feel worse about my condition. I hate feeling so hopeless, and helpless and i'm sure my husband feels bad for me. I guess i just need to start praying harder and hoping for a miracle. I hate telling people my problems but maybe if I share them with somone who doesn't see the pain I feel it might help me cope? I guess I should stop complaining about something I have no control over and put on my big girl panties but...I thnk i'll save that for another day.

just a ramble....

So, I normally try not to publicly rant but today im in one of those moods. It seems like everytime I try to focus on something other than getting pregnant a baby boom happens. Dont get me wrong I love kids and believe every couple deserves one...it's just why not me?! It absolutly kills me when i find out someone else is pregnant. Its hard to force a smile and say congrats when inside im dying. I know i'm young..trust me everyone reminds me of that but it doesn't make the hurt or the want any less. I'm trying hard to be patient and to learn to trust Gods plan for me life but it's hard. Especially when I work at a daycare...I see how some parents treat their kids...I spend 8 hours with these little angels...I get to see their progress, I see how wonderful and chaotic these kids can be and I LOVE every moment. I just hate when I leave them...I would love to take everyone of them home with me. I also HATE when people say they don't want to be pregnant. I would give ANYTHING for that! It kills me that someone would complain about being blessed with such an amazing gift! Im sure anyone else who is "pregnancy challenged" would agree with me on that. I just dont get why God would bless someone who doesn't want or doesn't have the means to support a baby, something so amazing when there are people like me and Johnny that can support and love a child. But who am I to question the man upstairs right?

the journey..

Our journey began in July of 2009... my husband and i had been together 4 years and decided to try for a baby...we knew for someone like me it would be difficult we just didnt know how difficult our journey would become.

So it begins....

We had been trying 3 months when in December I started having bad cramps..I had every pregnancy symptom down to the morning sickness and we just knew this was it. I was pregnant. We got our hopes up and waited to take the test all of our friends and family paitently awaited our results we were anxious to say the least... we took the test and waited...."not pregnant" was the result..our hearts broke you see we despratly wanted a baby.. we LOVE kids and want a house full. We both agreed on four kids and we couldnt wait to start our wonderful family.  The next month came and went..same thing happened I had cramps, morning sickness, dizziness, sensitive boobs, they even swelled, we waited took the test and negative was the result. We finally decided we need to know what was going on with my body. We went to the dr and told them what was going on and they told me it was all in my head...great i thought...now not only do i know its going to be hard to concieve..im now crazy! So we left the drs office feeling no better than when we went. So we kept trying we were NOT going to give up! For 4 months this happened we would go to the dr they would tell me it was all in my head.... I was losing hope..and fast so we decided to try a new dr. this one seemed different he immediately started me on clomid. You see i dont have normal menstral periods...mine come maybe every 6 or 7 months if im lucky. Anyways... i was on clomid for a week to start my period so that i would ovulate and get pregnant...no such luck. So we contined this until august and at this point we had been trying for 1 year and 1 month. I was hopeless if the drs couldnt figure out what was wrong i was never going to be able to conceive. In August right before we went on vacation i started having bad cramps I KNEW something was wrong with me  but I wanted to wait it out...two weeks i had this pain I would fall to floor and scream I was in so much pain and i do well with pain normally.  When we came back to Arkansas I immediatley called my dr and was thankful he could get me in asap. We did tests and he pushed on me and examined me all the while i was in screaming pain and he finally walked in the room and told me I had PID. As everyone knows i research EVERYTHING and I left there with Google popped up on my phone. I knew that he had misdiagnosed me but i took the meds he gave me and when i ran out i was still in gut wrenching pain so i switched drs. On the first visit we ran all kinds of tests and played 1001 questions when he finally looked at me and told me i may have endometriosis and to come back in a month if the pain was still there. So i came back I was still in pain I was having to leave work and take all kinds of pain meds just to get through the day. I was miserable. I went back where he prescribed me birth control he stated it would help with the pain and prevent me from having a period. On some days it did work but when it didnt everyone knew it. So i went back last week where we found out it had the exact oppisite effect on me than it should have and because im so young my dr doesnt want to do the laprascopy surgery on me to diagnose the endo...which im thankful for because truth be known im scared...im only 20 my body should be funtioning normally....I shouldnt be having all this pain..or be worried about infertility but I am. I also feel guilty that my husband married someone like me...someone who may never concieve  and it really hurts knowing im to blame. So here we are today being thankful for what we have and trying hard to be patient and wait on God's plan for our life. Weve decided to do foster care and adopt children because there are millions of kids that need a good home..I know because i was one of them. Im thankful that I married a man that shares my love for children and for understanding my want to give back to the system i was in for 6 years . Ill post more about our journey when it occurs. We are trying to become closer to the Lord through this process because after all nothing could be done without the man upstairs!